The Rabbit Hole

Hack Hack Cough-arrrgh

I’ve been going through some strange manifestation of the flu over the last few days. It started out as a scratchy throat so I started taking antibiotics (can’t risk Abby getting sick). Then for a couple of days it felt like my head was going to implode. It didn’t hurt, just felt like it was going to go “splat!” and cave in any minute. On day three I ran out of antibiotics and since there was no way to get any more, decided to hope for the best. By late evening yesterday whatever infection i had, had taken residence in my throat and by the time i went to to bed my throat-squatter had a nice campfire going and was contentedly roasting marshmallows.

Woke up at 1.40 when Abby started making funny noises to see that she had somehow managed to pee all over herself and the cot while still wearing a diaper. Dragged myself out of bed, cleaned baby and cot, put fresh sheets on the cot and fresh PJs on the baby. Once I had her settled down i remembered that i had a cupboard full of various potions left over from whatever baby had had over the last two and a half years. So happily went to the kitchen and picked a bottle full of virulent green liquid which said ‘bronchodilator’. It tasted pretty sparky and felt quite nice  going down so for a while i was lying in bed pondering whether it was past the sell-by date. After laying there hallucinating for a while i think i must have dropped off to sleep.

I’m still drinking my happy potion - which looks like toxic waste (and is, by the way, not past the sell-by date). Yay for leftover medicine.

On Buckled Knee

This whole man-woman relationship thing is one I never get tired of writing about. It’s crazy how different the two sexes really are. The thought process from ‘pre-relationship’ to ‘in-relationship’ to ‘post-relationship’ stage are so different you wonder how the in-relationship bit worked without going “poof!” and leaving your face all blackened.

Let’s consider the pre-relationship stage. Now here, I must admit, the girls have the advantage. They get to do their evaluation right at the beginning. Once a guy has asked them out on a date, they will consider everything from his toenails to the weave of his t-shirt; whether they like him or like him-like him; whether his smile is more Hugh Jackman or Jim Carey (ix-nay on the arey-cay), whether his shoelaces are long enough… the list is endless. After this they will decide to mate for life with this person or discard him forever into the dungeons of HellNo.

Whereas the guys just go;

“donkey?”

“pin the tail?”

“ oh, um”

<stabs>

“here” .

This is why halfway through the relationship they start to wonder;

“where am I? who does this donkey belong to?”

And then they start to dither. This is a painful process which involves internal debates, conciliatory advice from unhelpful friends and lots of alcohol.

The girl, meanwhile, totally oblivious to the dithering male, is picking out china patterns and lace curtains while giggling with her girlfriends in-between; these being the socially acceptable activities of a ‘female in a relationship’ as dictated by sitcoms and romantic comedies. Little does she know that her fate is probably going to be decided by Mr. Daniels.

So there’s the rub, as the old sailors used to say (or was that the British? British sailors? I have no idea). The whole fate of the relationship, from beginning to end lies in the incapable hand of a man (most of the time). And men can’t decide anything! They can’t even decide what colour of socks to wear so they wear one of each! And one is usually longer than the other!

Well, that’s it really. It’s just the way things are. More alcohol all around should even things up eventually.

Well I’ll Be Mothered…

This mothering business is a tricky one. One day you’re walking along not giving a toss about anything much and the next you’re a quivering bowl of jelly sans the custard.

 Take for example, the other day  i was four minutes and twenty seconds into watching Madagascar 2 and then I had to hit pause because I was emotionally bowled over by the fact that an animated lion-cub was separated from his equally animated dad. (and when I say animated you know that I don’t mean lively. ) I remember watching Snakes on a Plane when Abby was a few months old and crying because I was afraid the baby on the plane would get hurt. Those snakes were as real as my monopoly money and yet there I was bawling away and shrieking “the baby! the BABY!!” at the screen.

sheesh.

Idle Worship

From the months of January to May I’m overcome by an unhealthy, embarrassing obsession for American Idol.

This year, I’ve gone a step further and completely embraced the dark side. Yep, I’ve got Glambertitis.

Have you heard this guy sing? Oh man. Linda at DGMS summed it up for me when she wrote “…He held that last note long enough for it to learn to walk, graduate from high school, and earn a Masters Degree.…I have vocal cords. You have vocal cords. MINE do not make noise like that. Noise, yes, Like that? Noooooo….”

Each week, I watch idol wondering what the heck Adam will be up to next. Each week I think “woah, no way he’s ever going to top that performance” and each week he gosh-darned DOES. I even loved his take on Ring of Fire. I listened to his rendition of Mad World so many times that I even got Abby hooked on it. When my 2 1/2 year old watches a guy-not-dressed-in-a-purple-suit sing a song and then says “again” I’d say the man has talent.

At this point I don’t think it matters much whether he even wins this thing.

Competition Participation for Dummies - FAQ

1. Where do I get presentation board?

The easiest method of obtaining presentation boards would be to go your nearest stationers and ask them for presentation boards. However, if your chosen shop happens to be named along the lines of “Gunanuwana stationers” the default shopkeeper response will be “mokak?” in this instance it is advisable to seek a more renowned establishment.

2. What do I do if I can’t find presentation board?

In this case you have two options:

a) Withdraw from the competition

b) Find an alternative

If you should opt for (b), please refer the detailed instructions below.

Items required

1. Cardboard - any colour
2. Black paper - this is available at ANY stationers including “Gunanuwana stationers”.
3. I bottle of chemifix (or similar)
4. Foot ruler
5. Pencil
6. One finger

Method

1. Cut the cardboard and black paper to the specified size. You may use the foot ruler for measuring.
2. Using the foot ruler and pencil mark out the 1″ margins on the black paper.
3. Open bottle of chemifix (or equivalent).
4. Using the finger, apply the chemifix evenly on the REVERSE of your photograph.
5. Place photograph carefully (glue side down) in the center of the black paper, using the margins for alignment.
6. Smooth down.
7. You can now finish by pasting the black paper on the cardboard.

(step 7 can also be performed at any stage before step 4)

3. Where do I find GINORMOUS envelopes?

Again, any stationary shop that has presentation boards should also have a selection of large envelopes. However, if you’re one of the unfortunates living in the locale of “Gunanuwana stationers” you may use one of the following:

• Brown paper bag
• Wrapping Paper

We do not recommend the use of news paper as the newspaper print might smudge your photograph.

4. How do I ‘seal’ the envelope?

There are several acceptable methods of sealing the envelope.

• Cellotape
• Stapler (when using a stapler please hold the stapler face down on the paper to avoid stapling your thumb instead)
• Masking tape
• Double sided tape (3M or any other brand)
• The funny brown tape that you use for taking lint off shirts
• Any other tape that is sticky enough to stick
• Glue
• Pāppa (for more details on how to make pāppa, please refer our accompanying booklet, Vesak lanterns for Dummies)

It is not recommended that a combination of the above items be used for sealing purposes at it would result in a MESS

Song Parody II

Another parody dug up from the crypt. This was my first attempt at writing a parody. which probably explains the lameness.

Supercook
(To the tune of Superman by Five for Fighting)

I can’t stand to fry
I don’t like sushi
I’m just trying to find
The greatest recipe

I’m not into soup … salsa makes me weep
Rice is something I can only steam
And it’s not easy to cook curry

Wish that I wouldn’t cry
When onions I peel
To make a mincemeat pie
With a dash of sesame seeds

The soufflé won’t rise…the pancakes are limp
An assistant is beyond my means
I try the bean curd but the gravy’s congealed
I have strawberries without the cream
I’m not choosy…I’ll cook anything

I can’t stand to fry
I don’t like sushi
I look for bargains
As I shop at Sainsbury’s

I’m only a man in an apron light green
Digging for potatoes, carrots and beet
On a man in an apron so green
Looking for low fat yoghurt and sweet peas

It’s not easy to cook curry…

Reincarnation - Bring it On (squeak)

In my next life I’ll be… a Hamster. What fun!

The Baby Diaries

A friend sent me the link to this really nice site – Baby Diary. Didn’t have time to give it a thorough read but from I gleaned from a glance-through, I can really relate to the content. it’s very comforting to know that my baby’s not the only one prone to tantrums, fuss, and general driving-my-mum-to-madness behaviour.

I love the idea of keeping a baby diary but now I’d just be stealing another blogger’s idea so no can do. Anyway, it’s not like I have the time.

In other news…

wait, there’s no other news.

THINGS TO DO

After my mid morning tea and cookies I started making a to-do list. Two entries in, I suddenly felt a sense of purpose. A weight being lifted. I could go on, but I might run out of clichés.

I’d actually forgotten how freeing it is to write things down. Making a list means you can get rid of some of the clutter in your head. I used to write all the time. At the end of the day, writing a journal helps you unload stuff that you don’t need any more. Or it helps you keep stuff forever. It also helps to sort out problems because sometimes the solutions present themselves as you write. After getting married, all of a sudden I had no time to myself and I stopped writing. As a result, there was always this nagging feeling that something was missing. It’s a bit funny that the urge to write should come upon me in the middle of a mundane chore but I’m glad it did.

I Am Ledger

To quote a friend; “it’s so sad when beautiful people die”.